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What does a prostitute and miracle whip have in common?

They both spread for bread.

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man offered. 'Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who
were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back
off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you !

'St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago.'

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they aren't you f***ing idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven, why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you f***ing d*ckhead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!'

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, 'Dang, why are you drinking so fast?'

The guy says, 'You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.'

The bartender says, 'What do you have?'

The guy says, '75 cents.'

A man and a woman are at home, each in different rooms. The man says loudly ' honey, come here and check out this clock'. The woman goes into the room and her husband is standing there stark naked. She says 'that's not a clock!' so the man says 'It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!'
 
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