Ford Escape Automobiles Forum banner
1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
19,571 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,620 Posts
Big Chris said:
:clap: :clap:

LMAO!! :thumb:

Especially the coffin one.
Hehe I think I heard that before but it is a good one :lol:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,362 Posts
Re-bait the trap!

:hyst: :clap:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
19,571 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Glad y'all liked those. What better way to start off the dreaded Monday morning than with a good laugh !! :yes:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
19,571 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Here's one more :lol:

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down
next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was
coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar
and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset,
but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your
money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news
so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,362 Posts
:hyst: :clap:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
88 Posts
Two elderly women sitting on a bus bench, one says to the other "we been sitting here so long my butt has gone to sleep". The other women says "I know I heard it snore a few minutes ago". :hyst: :hyst: :hyst:

PUTT :D :D :D
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Top