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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license, please?

Woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.

Officer: You don't have one?

Woman: I lost it four times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: You stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want to see them.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please?

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers' license.

The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a clutch purse, and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: I'll bet that he told you I was speeding, too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
What did Britney's right leg say to her left leg?

Nothing. They've never been together.
 

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Discussion Starter · #42 ·
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, please press 7, and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. Nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, please press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, please put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down, and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
 
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