Posts by weebee
1 - 5 of 47 Posts
Joined
·
4,763 Posts
:
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well"
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good
idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see
these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an
eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other
for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of
the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As
she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever
seen. This goes on for about forty minutes. Finally, they both
collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the
ground recovering,
the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing...I've
gotta ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of
secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well"
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good
idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see
these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an
eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other
for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of
the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As
she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever
seen. This goes on for about forty minutes. Finally, they both
collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the
ground recovering,
the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing...I've
gotta ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of
secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Joined
·
4,763 Posts
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out
of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room,,
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind
of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need .
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out
of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room,,
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind
of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need .
Joined
·
4,763 Posts
A virile, young Italian named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless with his love making.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless with his love making.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
1 - 5 of 47 Posts
