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· Registered
1,305 Posts
You see. That violin is nothing but trouble. How about we trash it for good.

· Premium Member
12,362 Posts
Discussion Starter · #42 ·

Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, please press 7, and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. Nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, please press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, please put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down, and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

· Registered
1,455 Posts

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your a**.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.

12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

15. Pee (in the shower).

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

17. Partially dry off.

18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.[/quote]

Hey! i totally object to this statement! I do use conditioner!!! :wink:

· Premium Member
5,620 Posts
Dasha said:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who wants to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs for more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send
me fishing and hunting.
I know This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.
I'm still laughing like 5 minutes later. :clap:

I have to agree with Scotty though- that's not ALL men. I don't even fish!
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