MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, please press 7, and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. Nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, please press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, please put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down, and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.