You see. That violin is nothing but trouble. How about we trash it for good.
What's the punch line?
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.
Officer: You don't have one?
Woman: I lost it four times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: You stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want to see them.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please?
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers' license.
The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a clutch purse, and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: I'll bet that he told you I was speeding, too.
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.
Officer: You don't have one?
Woman: I lost it four times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: You stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want to see them.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please?
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers' license.
The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a clutch purse, and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: I'll bet that he told you I was speeding, too.
41 - 47 of 47 Posts
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, please press 7, and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. Nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, please press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, please put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down, and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, please press 7, and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. Nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, please press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, please put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down, and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your a**.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.[/quote]
Hey! i totally object to this statement! I do use conditioner!!! :wink:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your a**.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.[/quote]
Hey! i totally object to this statement! I do use conditioner!!! :wink:
I'm still laughing like 5 minutes later. :clap:Dasha said:WOMAN'S PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who wants to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs for more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
_______________________________________________
MAN'S PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send
me fishing and hunting.
I know This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.
I have to agree with Scotty though- that's not ALL men. I don't even fish!
Two catapillers were crawling along and one looked and saw a butterfly; the other said you'll never get me up in one to those things! :bag;
How does a Rabbi defend himself?
Jew-jitsu.
Jew-jitsu.
:bill:
Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle...
Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle...
41 - 47 of 47 Posts
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